Dear extremely young-looking theatergoers I saw attending Rock of Ages with your parents:

I hope, from the bottom of my heart, that this was not your first time seeing a Broadway musical. If so, I am gravely worried about the impressions you have formed and how it will influence the way you view the medium in the future.

Never mind the questionable judgment your parents exercised upon deciding to take you to see this crude, puerile, witless excuse for entertainment. Perhaps they were enticed by the promise of an evening of the ‘80s rock songs with which they grew up. Or perhaps it was the only thing available on the TKTS line. Either way, you must have been a bit confused when you entered the Brooks Atkinson Theatre to find an atmosphere reminiscent of The Roxy in Los Angeles, which, of course, you are too young to know anything about. The billboards advertising “Live Nudes XXX” and the bountiful signage referencing various parts of the female anatomy certainly must have been overwhelming, to say the least.

You might have been a little amused by the naughty pre-show announcement made by a member of a band called Whitesnake. It was also probably disappointing when you realized that this would be the funniest moment of the entire show.

It is possible that you were excited to see Constantine Maroulis, whom you undoubtedly watched regularly on American Idol. In this show, he played Drew, a likeable wannabe rock star with big dreams and an even bigger heart. Truth be told, he didn’t really disappoint as his singing was great and he was credible as a nice guy who gets a little in over his head in the music industry. You were probably a little unnerved, however, by Amy Spanger, who was supposed to be playing a nice Midwestern girl named Sherrie who becomes caught up in the sleaze of the big city. You may have noticed that she never seemed to convincingly portray a nice girl; she seemed all too ready to transform into an exotic dancer later in the show…but boy can she sing!

That was really the interesting thing about this show, wasn’t it? Some truly talented performers singing their hearts out, but it was really hard to care about any of it because the show was so dumb. And even though the bookwriter, Chris D’Arienzo, smarmily acknowledged through his Jack Black clone narrator (Mitchell Jarvis) that the show was intentionally stupid, that didn’t really make it seem any better, did it?

When you get a little older, you will understand that this is the kind of show one expects to see in Las Vegas, before or after spending an inordinate amount time in a casino and imbibing copious amounts of alcohol. In fact, I think the producers of Rock of Ages kind of understood that themselves, and that is why your parents were able to purchase chips that they could redeem for drinks…during the show!

Lord knows I could have used one myself.

Better luck next time,
Dan

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